Over a phone call, I told a friend about my deepest fear in the most nonchalant way; I think I’m so gonna regret it, supposed I realise in the future, I got my untapped potential go wasted. Only to find out this realisation appears to be very scary when I’m alone with my thought. While it has come down on me that I might have kept punching below my weight for the past months, I also realise I did not do enough to change the situation.
That thought keeps lurking days and night, am I where I’m supposed to be? Have I done what I could? Is there any doors I’m supposed to knock?
But is enough ever enough? I wish I knew the answer.
For now, despite having learned that I am still far from the person I want to become, I want to give space to myself.
To tell her that she is enough, a thousand times enough. That she’s still got a long road to walk, a mountain to climb, a rocky pathway to conquer. And self-depreciating is surely not one of the quality one must possess to thrive.
Regardless my mind keeps playing a thousand scenarios where I could’ve done better, I want her to thank herself for not giving up. I want her to remember those difficult times when she could barely wake up in the morning. I want her to remember all those nights when she could not stop her tears but she kept going, she kept working. I want her to accept that she is enough.
There is a non-exhaustive lists of ‘What-Ifs’, what if I were smarter? what if I got a little pretty, just a little lady-like? would things work out the way I envision it to be? would things be easier than what it is now? but it is just endless. A few years ago I wished I were good-looking, I wished I were smarter. I thought by being all that, I could have more friends, I could achieve more things, I could be happy. To my surprise, I still have the same thought today. It is a bitter truth to realise that I am still struggling to accept myself for who I am.
I thought those kind of mindset could help set my steps forward. But I am wrong. The real progress does not grow from a feeling of unworthy. One cannot achieve what she envisions from a place of self-depreciation. For continuously shaming herself for not being enough. The real growth happens from a place of worthiness. From loving yourself for who you are and who you are not, for celebrating all the small wins and patting yourself for the loses. It is okay.
This is your location. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
You are enough.
A thousand times enough.
Please listen to the small voice inside you.
You are enough.
