life has been very overwhelming in the past month. It barely gave me space to take a pause just to digest what’s happening. and when it finally slows down, i started to question myself, what am I pursuing?
what matters to me?
how do I want to see myself in the future?
What do I cherish the most?
these questions were perhaps best to be asked in journaling session, but I just cant help to jot this down here. In whatsoever ways, this writing is not intended to be inspirational, but rather a chance to pour down all of my anxieties, worries, etc…
I think I have been very ungrateful these past months. come to think about it, I am living the life I have been praying for. I am married to a wonderful man who is very patient in facing my moody self, who is relentlessly hardworking, honest, always put his family first, and would think a million times before indulging himself — even with his own money. perhaps a few years ago, this life would be very out of reach, I wouldn’t even dare to even just to dream about this. I’ve never considered myself to be attractive, but here I am, living with someone who never complains about the acne in my face or the way my body is, who cares so much about my health and would remind me tirelessly not to drink coffee too much or consume too much spicy foods. few years ago I thought it would be long before I met the one, it would take me countless self-discovery phase before I finally met the one… but here I am now.. and everyday I am still finding myself being ungrateful..
I guess its fine if the ideal life I envision keeps on changing now and then… everyday I meet people from all walks of life; depending on the exposure I got, it’s very normal if my understanding on what constitutes an ideal life is also in constant discovery. not to mention with the wave of social media — seeing so many successful people at my age, thriving, touching many lives… is sometimes overwhelming. I always forgot what I’ve received, what I got to enjoy. I forgot what matters to me.
I remember wanting something, and proceed to purchase it, and was surprised that I did not feel satisfied with my decision. what if all of these ideal life image I’ve envisioned were the result of wanting to have a taste of other people’s brightest phase of life, instead of trying to fit in the puzzle I really need?
often, this also got me forgotten to live in the moment. to cherish what I have or what I am doing in the present — by always wanting to quickly pass through the hardest part of it and skip to the good part, only to find that I did not live in the present moment when that so called good part comes.
what am I pursuing? What would fulfil my curiosity? what motivates me to wake up every morning and get things done? what allows me to turn the not so comfort zone into an opportunity to learn?
— —
“Bila ingin hidup damai di dunia
Bahagialah dengan apa yang kau punya
Walau hatimu merasa
Semua belum sempurna sebenarnya
Kita sudah cukup semuanya
Bila dunia membuatmu kecewa
Karna semua cita-citamu tertunda
Percayalah segalanya
Telah diatur semesta
Agar kita mendapatkan yang terindah”
— Adera, Catatan Kecil.
