“Perhaps, He has a better plan for me. And I, will fervently, believe so in foreseeable future,”
A lot of things have happened within the course of one and a half year. I have been continuously falling in and out of love with myself. I’ve spent a great amount of time confronting my insecurities turned into realities. There are countless moments where I throw myself questions: why would you do this? are you even capable to reach the finish line? why cannot you achieve a higher mark? why cannot you speak up for yourself? why cannot you be more critical?
—
A few months ago, I would go to sleep pondering upon my research question, or whether the theory I chose made sense. A few months ago, I would find myself smiling for having understood something new, for unraveling another side of the pension reform concept. I would spend some night crying over my inability to comprehend a journal, I would throw my head to the table because I failed to understand a data manipulation in R. I would pray so hard, to God, giving in to the saying come what may.
And even after pulling so many all nighters, crying on the bus, stupidly jaywalking during lunchtime because my mind wandered around some complex journals/reports, I still did not get what I wanted.
Perhaps I did not try that hard after all.
—
The year I spent overseas felt very humbling and unnerving at once. The whole process taught me to unlearn a non-exhaustive lists of all the lessons I’ve grown accustomed to. Of the arrogance I subconsciously find comfort in. Of the ignorance I chose to live with. Witnessing my persistence fading into the void, thinking that setting a higher bar is not necessary, turning the environment as my scapegoat when things went south.
It’s like seeing your reflection in the mirror and finding someone you did not know existed, for so long, I have been denial of its presence.
I was then confronted, what if, all these times, I was unaware if the quality I see in myself is not in its truest form? what if the dreams I’ve dreamt, is not something my deeper self wanted to achieve? Now that I got to know another layer of myself, will there be a moment when I got confronted with yet a deeper layer in me?
…and perhaps that’s the essence of living. To never stop discovering yourself. To rather devote yourself for a particular mission, rather than a distinct, worldly, ephemeral things that makes you wonder what to do once you got to achieve it.
…and perhaps it takes a painful, wounded process for oneself to discover his/her mission.
…perhaps it’s gonna take another year of unlearning my values in life, perhaps it’s gonna take a lifetime.
—
and it’s fine.
to learn the hard truth, for someone who takes pride in and makes intelligence as her personality, that she is not smart to begin with.
it’s fine, it means there is so much room left for you to grow.
So soar high, fall free, get wounded if you must, heal thereafter, and run, run with all your might.
Break all the walls, aim beyond where you are planted, grow into a being with purpose, grow into a being full of love.
and for all its worth,
learn,
learn that the pursuance of knowledge involved bending your knee, admitting to humility, with the spirit to learn better, harder, smarter, only to acquire a greater wisdom thereafter.
and if this understanding changed in a day or two, in a month or years,
it’s fine.
because the pursuance of knowledge sets no time bound.
